Coming down from my freak-out...

First I will say, everything is ok with the pregnancy (as far as I know)...no, my freak out was completely separate from the immense anxiety I have had since I found out I was pregnant. As I have said before, hubby (why do I have to refer to him as hubby, why can't I think of a whitty name for him? That will be my homework - stay tuned for exciting new hubby name!) is an RCMP officer, and while I always knew that we would have to move at some point, I was ok with it. We were thinking that we would try to move next spring, after the baby has been born (which I still don't even really believe) and we had a couple months to get used to parenthood and the craziness that goes along with it. And we had decided (yes, call us crazy) that we would like to move to Nunavet (for those of you not Canadian, that means very far north - like north of the 70th parallel) - ok, i can't really say that I would 'like' to move to Nunavet - I mean, come on, you have to order your food once a year to get barged up there, there are no roads to get anywhere, you have to fly, and it is cold, damn cold, not to mention the numerous days that you do not see any sunlight. But hubby SO, SO, SO wants to go, and when he gets that baby face, who can say no to him!!! So anyways, after many discussion (that have taken place over the last year) as well as a certain amount of bribes (I am never above taking bribes) I agreed to it. But after we got pregnant we both decided that it would be after the baby was born in a hospital that we can at least drive to, preferably one that my parents can also drive to. And we were both happy with this decision.

So here comes the freak out. On Monday hubby gets contacted by Nunavet to go up to a posting ASAP. I mean put up the for sale sign on the house, pack up all the crap for storage that I am probably not going to like when we unpack it, and move up the, all within the next couple months. And hubby comes home to tell me this with a smile on his face like we have won the lottery, or he has bought me a nice piece of jewelery at the very least. Like, you really expect me to be excited about this? This doesn't fit into my nice little plan. I was speechless. Hubby admitted that it wasn't the best time (you fucking think???!!!) but was concerned about turning down the transfer because he thought that if you turn it down once, it wouldn't be offered again and you would just be at their mercy and just sent to a place like Climax (anyone out there from Saskatchewan should get that joke). So he was actually trying to convince me to say yes. And yes, the bribes were pretty good, but I wasn't buying.

So I convinced hubby that we should call this person and talk to him - to make a long story short, we talked for quite awhile (at one point he even happened to mention that the hospital -yes, the one hospital for the whole province - has lost it's teaching accreditation, but it is still quite good - that just solidified my decision) and he agreed that although this may not be the best time to come up there, they still want hubby, and so we can wait until after the birth, see how everything goes, and start making plans after that for a move. Thank fricking god!!!! I feel good because I get to stay down here during my pregnancy, enjoying the experience of dropping hundreds of dollars on maternity clothes, getting to have my family nearby for the birth of our first child, and hubby is happy because he will still get to live his dream. So we are both happy, until, of course, I come to the realization next spring, that, wholly fuck, i'm moving to Nunavet!!!

Not much to say.

As of today, I am 9w2d pregnant and what do I have to report? Not much. I still feel crappy, naseous etc. and despite the odd freak out, I actually feel really positive about everything and feel like things are actually going to work - and it still shocks me. Every once and awhile I hear about someone who is pregnant and I feel that little jealously twinge, until I remember I am pregnant too (although, who am I kidding, I never forget!). I just can't wait until I can tell everyone, I feel like I am ready to burst because we have hardly told anyone - like a total of 6 people. Hubby is probably going to tell his parents this weekend, but they aren't really the type to get all excited etc. so not as fun as telling my family. I almost feel like telling everyone right now, but also don't want to tempt fate. My sister has told everyone, so I guess I want to be a part of all of that. But I will give her her time to enjoy the attention, my day will come soon enough.

In news other than myself, for anyone living in Canada, you may have heard about the shootings of two RCMP members in Saskatchewan - my husband is up there helping with the manhunt, and I would appreciate any prayers you can give to keep the helping members safe, and payers for the two members in the hospital fighting for their life - I've never met them before, but realize the pain that their families must be in.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a heartbeat!!!!

Yes, that's right, we have a heartbeat!!!! I went for my ultrasound and started crying as soon as the dr. showed us the heartbeat (that totally made up for the metal thing stuck up my...you know). The heartbeat was 170. I am in love. I don't know whether the baby is a boy or a girl, I don't know if it will have my nose or hubby's eyes...I don't know if the baby will cry and I will be ripping my hair out at night or if it will be sleeping through the night in no time...I don't know any of that but I am already in love more than I ever thought possible. Everything seems real right now and I couldn't be happier.

Maternity Store!

So I stepped into my first ever maternity store today - didn't even feel all claustrophobic or weepy with all the baby stuff around me. It wasn't for me (although I do have to admit I looked alittle bit for myself) - it was for my sister, whose birthday is at the end of July and she will be around 16 weeks by then, so I thought that I would buy her something maternity (and save the shirt that I had already bought for her before I knew she was pregnant for next year!) - WOW, how on earth are you suppose to still look fashionable at those prices??? I found a really cute t-shirt that said "Whose your daddy" - cute hey? (although i'm sure it would make my mom cringe!) - it was $52.00!!! Are you fucking joking me???? It's not that cute!!! I have a feeling I will be doing lots of Walmart shopping, because I like to have lots of variety in my clothing but at those prices I will be able to have 2 pairs of pants and 3 shirts - not even a full week!!! Anyways, will worry about that when I come to it. Anyways, it was fun, made me smile, and now I can't wait till I can go buy myself something!! And I did end up getting her a nice shirt that hopefully will fit for more than one week (i'm new at this - I didn't know what size to buy!)

Otherwise, I am feeling ok - really naseous today and can't seem to get over it. And I have developed this completely unattractive habit of burping all the time - and not just little cute 'excuse me' burps - full blown burps that you make the guys in the pub proud!!!! I usually only do it when I am alone, but today I was walking around a store and let one go - i'm going to have to wear a shirt saying i'm pregnant just to get people to forgive my manners!!! I have my first ultrasound next Tuesday and I absolutely can not wait - I just pray every day that everything will be good.

And on the job front, although the company has sold, they are going to be keeping some people around until the end of October and it looks like I am one of the lucky few - which means I will work till the end of October, get a one month bonus, and then start my maternity alittle early - who doesn't want to not have to work their last trimester?? (however, I have already given thought to the amount of weight I could possible gain if day after day I have no need to get out of bed to do anything!!!) So things may end up working out great for me.

Wow, look at that, even a positive posting today!!!!

Turning over a new leaf

Ok, this time I am really going to try to leave all of the negative thoughts behind and just concentrate on keeping myself heathly and happy. I started thinking to myself that I really have no reason to believe anything is wrong, right now I have a better chance of having this baby than I do losing it, so why do I just think that bad things will inevitably happen? They won't, things will be fine, i'm sure. I'm still getting my betas, but i'm not calling to get the numbers - my doctor said that she would call if anything looked wrong, so I am going to leave it up to her so that I don't feel like I have to analyze them every time. I really do feel better about everything, and even though I can't ignore every thought, i'm getting better at it....really!!

In other unrelated, but disgusting news, the other night we realized that we have a mouse in our house!! YUCK!!! We live in a small town and our yard back outs into a field, so we have had mice around our house before, but never one inside, where we live and no rodants are welcome. I never actually saw it, (thank god!) but got woken up the other night with the noise of hubby running down the hallyway trying to sqash it with a snow brush (first thing he could grab)! And what did I do when he told me what he saw? I promptly took on a completely girly persona and jumped up on the first chair nearby. We set a trap for it but have yet to catch it. Now I wake up at night thinking a mouse is in my bed. How disgusting is that? At least I have to already go pee when I wake up or I would be really mad it was disturbing my sleep!!

Is bitchiness a sign of pregnancy?

Because if it is then I am definately pregnant. For some reason or another, I have turned into a complete bitch. Well, actually, I know the reason. It is because I am constantly so worried about how things are going, that I have no engery left to be nice to people. Oh, I try to fake it with hubby, my neighbor etc. (I don't think I am doing a very good job at it, but they haven't mentioned anything - probably out of fear) but at work I let my bitchiness fly. Which, in all honesty, works very well at my work because everyone else is pretty bitchy about losing their jobs, so I fit right in.

I thought I had some control over the worrying and the anxiety. I actually spent the weekend with hubby and my parents having a good time, and actually believing everything with this pregnancy was going well. I was super tired the whole weekend, pretty naseous, and still had sore boobs. Everything was looking peachy.

But this morning I woke up, feeling well rested, not tired, boobs feel fine, and no naseua yet to speak of. I developed three pimples over the weekend. And I am right back to freaking out. I am trying to get it under control as I know that this stress isn't good, but it is a battle with my mind that I just don't seem to be winning. For a couple minutes I can have myself convinced that everything is alright, I have no reason to think that everything is not going well, no bleeding, no cramping....But the bad thoughts keep creeping back in. I wish I could just turn off my mind for the next couple weeks - what do I need to think for. So, of course, I went for another beta test. Results should be in tommorrow. If that doesn't put me at ease, I might just make an appt. with my dr. to see about getting an ultrasound earlier than 8.5 weeks - I know it is only 2 weeks away, but it feels like forever right now, and at this rate they may have to do the ultrasound with me in a straight jacket.

So, i'm still here, poking my boobs every two minutes (I swear, they are going to hurt, even if I have to do it myself!). I'm trying to stay upbeat (boy, you wouldn't know it from this post), sometimes i'm successful, sometimes i'm not. But if I wasn't happy with the person that infertility turned me into, i'm not so sure if I like this person any better. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to be in this situation - to be able to say, yes, right now, I am pregnant. I am so happy to have my hubby rub my belly, even though there really isn't anything there right now to rub! I love ever minute of pregnancy conversations that I have with my mom or my sister. I just wish I had more faith in myself, and more faith that everything was going to work out because I don't love every minute of worry.

My daily Fix

Well, my beta number finally came back - 7984 which is a doubling time of about 53.6 hours which is still pretty good - I read that after 6000 it can take up to 72 hours to double so I am less than that. I will admit that I started crying as soon as I got the number - I was really hoping that it would have doubled, and of course called my mom right away (who else can you call when you are crying??) and she has some information about it and said not to worry about it exactly doubling - it is going up at a good rate and that's all that matters. So I think I will take a bit of break from the beta's - maybe do a couple next week to ensure everything going well, but this is just way too stressful. Although I don't know how well I will do without getting a continuous confirmation that everything is going fine. You know, I always knew that the next time I got pregnant that it would be hard, but I never imagined it would be this hard. I guess I have myself to blame for it though, if I would just have hope and faith and leave it at that maybe it wouldn't be as stressful!